President Bush Abducted by Aliens

Crawford, Texas--In a news conference at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, President George W. Bush told reporters that he had been abducted by aliens from the Planet X-on and that one of the strategic purposes of his missle defense initiative was to prevent any such episodes from ever happening again.

"These aliens are a well-oiled unit of people who came together and then ran out of gas. Now they want what's left of our fossil fuel reserves but we don't intend to let them have it."

As cries of disbelief rose from the room of reporters, Bush faced the microphone squarely and said, "Testing, one, two, three. You hear about people being lifted up by plasma beams onto a waiting saucer, then being flown away to a mothership for examination. As your President, I am hear to tell you - I have been a party to that.."

"Aliens from space come from all different backgrounds and all parts of the universe. Within months, I knew many of them, and many of them knew me."

While the President's aides and allies said political considerations had no part in his decision to reveal his experiences, such factors colored the spontaneous announcement and the staging of it, which sought to portray the President as profoundly ruminative, deeply serious and indisputably presidential.

"Further," he said, "I have recently been in discussions with President Vicente Fox of Mexico and I'm not against aliens. The great inalienable aliens of our country. We're blessed with such aliens in America. And I‹it's‹I'm a proud man to be the nation based upon such wonderful aliens."

Leaks out of the White House suggested that hostile aliens had retaliated against Bush by mutilating cattle on his Crawford, Texas ranch. In response to a question about the security measures on the ranch, Bush said, "I am mindful of the difference between the executive ranch and the legislative ranch. I assured all our congressional leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is the Secret Service is going to do everything they can to stop the violence."

When pressed for more details as to the identity of the aliens, Bush said, "When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were," he said. "It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there and they want our oil."