Bush to staff:

“Dude, where’s my war?”

by Victor Payan
Apollo 13 Foreign News Burro

08/07/02-- Sources close to the White House claim that President-neglect George W. Bush has become noticeably irritated, due to the international community’s lack of support for his proposed attack on Iraq.

According to reports, a rankled Bush has been pacing around the Oval Office all week screaming, “Dude, where’s my war?”

Bush’s proposed invasion of Iraq has been complicated by the fact that resident Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein has openly stated that he is willing to allow foreign inspectors and even US congressmen into his country to verify the absence of weapons of mass destruction or biological weapons.

Among the opponents to Bush’s plans are Canada, France, Saudi Arabia, and everyone else on the planet.

Bush’s proposed invasion of Iraq, nicknamed “Desert Storm Light” after Bush’s favorite beer, would involve ousting Iraqi despot and former CIA employee Saddam Hussein by military force. The plan, which many agree is not very well thought-out, was submitted to the Joint Chiefs of Staff earlier this week on a Hooters bar napkin.

The plan, which was developed during a lengthy meeting with senior Bush advisor Jack Daniels, merely reads: “1. Provoke Iraq 2. Bomb Iraq.”

Bush’s generals have examined various options for ousting Hussein, including a massive invasion utilizing up to a quarter of a million troops, covertly arming Iraqi dissidents or flooding Iraqi markets with bacteria-laden Con-Agra beef.

According to experts, the United States has military plans for fighting an enemy with tainted beef which date back to the 1800s.

Bush first hinted at using military force to oust Hussein last month at the annual “Corporate Welfare, Homeland Security, Intelligence, Narcotics, Guns, Assassination and Oil” (CHINGAO) Conference. Ironically, both the US and Iraq are charter members of CHINGAO.

Hoping to drum up support for a military invasion of Iraq, Bush told a group of high school students in Mobil Oil, Alabama that bombing Iraq would be good for the children of Iraq, who are suffering from the effects of a US embargo on their country.

“Because of Saddam Hussein, millions of Iraqi children are sick, starving and crying,” Bush told the students. “I intend to use all our military might to silence their cries.”

Critics say that Bush is pushing for a war with Iraq merely to draw attention away from his failed economic policies, the increased incidents of US airstrikes on civilians in Afghanistan, and the corporate fraud scandal which threatens to engulf his administration.

Others maintain Bush wants to bomb Iraq just to watch it die.

© 2002 Victor Payan
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